- James

My update
So I have returned back to the states. After a month of detoxing in Honduras I realize(now) that i needed 2 more months in Honduras to really get this disease knocked out. So I am currently finishing the protocol they gave me and looking at continuing my treatment someplace else, Perhaps a mix of western and holistic. As of now I have diminished pain and sleep well relatively. I am still really skinny but I am eating solid food everyday now. I am living in a supportive nurturing safe environment in Livermore. I am so shocked and grateful for the support I have received from over 292 people. I can never say thank you enough. So the plan so far is to rest, (no working) treat the issue, and heal. Also visit as many of you as possible. I did a video documentary of my experience in Honduras and will post it asap so that all of you can see what it was like.

- James 

Inner Child Stuff

After a hiatus due to some continued travel and contraction after the expansion, i am ready to continue reflecting, sharing, and learning.

In this post, i'd like to explore our inner child.

Of the many topics James, Megumi, and i touched on, our inner child was a crucial one. Exploring the pain deep within us, we uncovered much suffering that needed our nurturing. We uncovered our little boy, our little girl, who needed a hug from our adult self. That little boy, that little girl, needed unconditional love and acceptance.

There are times when we hear about this being in a light hearted manner. When we want to play, when we want to have fun. The truth is, tending to our inner child can be a pretty tough responsibility. Remember those shitty times when you were a kid (i'm assuming we've all had them), when you felt like you had no control over the situation? When you may have felt like you didn't have a voice? When you needed something you didn't receive? Those emotions and the thoughts associated with them may still be in your body, causing suffering.

Go to your inner child right now. What does your inner child want to express? Let those thoughts and feelings emerge now and observe what sensations and thoughts arise. Are they comfortable? Uncomfortable? How is your body shifting as the memories reemerge? What people are showing up?

Chances are, exploring these feelings are deeply uncomfortable. If you haven't tended to your inner child in a while, the more uncomfortable the feelings probably were. We seldom take the time to go to this place.

If healing starts with self love, the journey of self love starts with our inner child. Healing will always require going deep inside, to meet our inner child, to recognize when innocence, purity was taken away. To return to that wholesomeness may be the essence of healing. To reclaim.

Healing is incredibly dynamic. There are so many factors within the equation (who would have thought i'd bring algebra into writing). The experience at Usha shined so much light on the factor of emotional baggage. Even if we're not aware of it, that baggage drains our energy- energy that can be used for healthy functioning of the whole self. Knowing how dynamic healing is, i see that s l o w i n g  down and making s p a c e  is crucial in actually noticing our ailments and the causes of them. To lay all the cards out, and make connections.

i am feeling that going through this inner child work brings joy back into life. What's not to love about that?

joy, even in the pain

                    


Leah gifted me a book to read on my trip called, The Book of Joy. It recounts a weeklong conversation between the Dalai lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, two revered spiritual and political figures, as transcribed and retold by Douglas Abrams. i'm not too far into the book, 54 pages. What i'm getting most out of it is the reiteration, in different forms and contexts, that joy is ever present. Additionally, joy comes from the sincere caring of others.

i have found so much joy here at Usha Village. i have found joy in deeply desiring the full healing of all beings. i have noticed the physical, mental, and emotional inflictions upon our state in all, most definitely including myself. We all need healing. Many of us want the capacity to care for others. The Dalai Lama says, "if you develop a strong sense of concern for the well being of all sentient beings, and in particular all human beings, this will make you happy in the morning, even before coffee."

And once again, that sense of concern starts with us. It does not work any other way. i am learning to deeply care for myself and develop intimacy with self in order to show up for others, in a pure and powerful way. This looks like practicing yoga before interacting with others, eating nutritious food, breathing, and being in water. After self care, i am completely present with others, my energy is pure, at the very least. With a loving intention and a pure presence, there's nothing to do. Being-ness becomes the state. There is so much joy in knowing this! The pressure feels relieved. We are not doing anything to help. We are simply loving and paying attention. The movement then comes naturally and is guided by the heart.

May we all find joy in relieving our own suffering so we can extend that joy in benevolence to others whom suffer.

                Below are a series of photos that contrast joy and suffering. It all lives together.





                                        The unbelievably lush backyard of Usha Village.

The beautiful masterpiece of a spider.

The legs of an amazing man named Roger.

The pain that is always there, which often restrains James from speaking. 

A decaying flower reaching the end of its time.

James praying with drums in the dining hall before his morning smoothie and herbs.

The comfort of his wife.

beside (not behind) every great man...

This is an appreciate post about Megumi.

*Deep breath.

Being present for someone going through a difficult process is not easy. When i humbly applauded Megumi for her patience, she simply replied, "it is what it is." Watching her stay in her center and find joy in her husband's healing has taught me SO much about what it means to love someone unconditionally. She is SOLID. i'm sure there are moments i don't see, moments when she is less than solid. However, it is not perfection i'm speaking of. It's her practice of noticing her own thoughts, intentions, and judgements. It's her ongoing building of compassion and connection with others.

Tonight, i learned that Megumi knows how to play the guitar. And quite well too! It was a nice side of her that i was so smitten to see. i'm so happy she was given the chance to play and perform.

Selfless and Seflish

Originally, i wanted to write about the abundant healing alkaline water here that runs from the top of the mountain into the village. However, that is not what's present in me in this moment. i want to write about holding space and having me time.

Last night, i stayed in James and Megumi's hut/cottage thing to document a typical night for James. Through my observation and experience, it was a lot of restlessness, pain, and constriction. There were some moments that were almost unbearable. All i/we could do was/is breathe through it. Instead of wishing the pain would disappear, i coaxed myself into staying present and consciously breathing it through. Definitely easier said than done. Definitely more of an attempt than a success.

As James woke in the night, as did Megumi. Watching her hold space was incredibly humbling. The willingness and lack of complaint. i keep bringing her up because she has blown me away with the patience and compassion she embodies.

Anyway, i spent most of today following James around through his whole day. It's an early start regimen that consists of sitting in the sauna, soaking in the alkaline pool, smoothies, lots and lots of herbal medicine, remote healing sessions with energy workers (not everyday), lots of listening to dharma talks (which are quite relieving and expansive), checking for progress in his mouth, and simply being present with his process.

Today was the most time i've spent with them during the day. Previously, we'd have breakfast and lunch together and i'd pop my head in multiple times a day, checking up on James, and always making sure we got our video time. i would spend plenty of time with Megumi, and maybe i figured this was helpful. However, this proved to be ineffective because i missed a couple of crucial moments. A "diary" style video reflection needed to be evaluated. Perhaps part of me was more uncomfortable with his discomfort than i let myself feel. After last night, i know this is true. However, the endurance is growing, and i'm glad to see more.

Speaking of seeing more, i'm opening my eyes to just how much alone time i need for my health. i need A LOT of alone time. It has become immediately apparent to me when i've reached my threshold for any type of space holding and communication. Life back home is at a much faster pace and everything i "do" requires me to communicate and give. Thinking about how often i pass my threshold is making me tired right now.

At first, i felt guilty having my alone time. Like i wasn't fulfilling my purpose here in Honduras. Guilty because my friends and family helped me get here and i wasn't "doing it right." Guilty because i wasn't being "good enough" to support. However, when i allowed myself the space today, i came back each time more energized and able to simply BE around James and his pain. And if i wasn't able to, i felt more comfortable deeply breathing it out. i don't know how many times i've heard this and i'm still learning: we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else. Period.

Below are a series of photos of my selfish "me" moments. The images that brought me much serenity in the midst of the intensity.

A lawn chair being spotlit by the early AM sun, 

seeming to invite me to come and soak in the healing light. 

The moon peaking from the top of the tree, 

reminding me of the intention i set during the full moon to release the desire to be liked. 

A moment to come back to my hut, shower, and tidy up.

Hearing, feeling, and seeing the rhythm of the leaky shower faucet.

Megumi noticed a biddy dragonfly on her glass.

Flirting with the light as it plays hide and seek through the leaves of the palm trees.

Admiring the healing reflection of the mountain forrest.

the best beauty is the natural beauty

The land itself is healing. When i walk around the village, i am in constant awe of this luscious beauty. This is abundance.

We have everything we need. We are whole. We are healed. Speaking it into existence.

Below are some of the photos that attempt to capture the beauty here. i don't think i can ever do it justice.

You gotta feel it to heal it.

i don't know how many times i've heard people say (including myself), that there is a direct connection between the emotions and the physical body. It has not been so apparent more than how it has been witnessing James' healing process. 

Below are a series of moments that are screen shotted from the video content. The attempt is to illustrate the spectrum of emotions that i witness. To say the least, it has been remarkable to watch him embrace and face every emotion that arises. James explains that if emotions are not allowed to release in the moment, the limbic brain usually stuffs it in the body to be dealt with later. When those stuffed emotions begin to increase, it can cause serious physical illness. 

You gotta feel it to heal it.