Last night, i stayed in James and Megumi's hut/cottage thing to document a typical night for James. Through my observation and experience, it was a lot of restlessness, pain, and constriction. There were some moments that were almost unbearable. All i/we could do was/is breathe through it. Instead of wishing the pain would disappear, i coaxed myself into staying present and consciously breathing it through. Definitely easier said than done. Definitely more of an attempt than a success.
As James woke in the night, as did Megumi. Watching her hold space was incredibly humbling. The willingness and lack of complaint. i keep bringing her up because she has blown me away with the patience and compassion she embodies.
Anyway, i spent most of today following James around through his whole day. It's an early start regimen that consists of sitting in the sauna, soaking in the alkaline pool, smoothies, lots and lots of herbal medicine, remote healing sessions with energy workers (not everyday), lots of listening to dharma talks (which are quite relieving and expansive), checking for progress in his mouth, and simply being present with his process.
Today was the most time i've spent with them during the day. Previously, we'd have breakfast and lunch together and i'd pop my head in multiple times a day, checking up on James, and always making sure we got our video time. i would spend plenty of time with Megumi, and maybe i figured this was helpful. However, this proved to be ineffective because i missed a couple of crucial moments. A "diary" style video reflection needed to be evaluated. Perhaps part of me was more uncomfortable with his discomfort than i let myself feel. After last night, i know this is true. However, the endurance is growing, and i'm glad to see more.
Speaking of seeing more, i'm opening my eyes to just how much alone time i need for my health. i need A LOT of alone time. It has become immediately apparent to me when i've reached my threshold for any type of space holding and communication. Life back home is at a much faster pace and everything i "do" requires me to communicate and give. Thinking about how often i pass my threshold is making me tired right now.
At first, i felt guilty having my alone time. Like i wasn't fulfilling my purpose here in Honduras. Guilty because my friends and family helped me get here and i wasn't "doing it right." Guilty because i wasn't being "good enough" to support. However, when i allowed myself the space today, i came back each time more energized and able to simply BE around James and his pain. And if i wasn't able to, i felt more comfortable deeply breathing it out. i don't know how many times i've heard this and i'm still learning: we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else. Period.
Below are a series of photos of my selfish "me" moments. The images that brought me much serenity in the midst of the intensity.
A lawn chair being spotlit by the early AM sun,
seeming to invite me to come and soak in the healing light.
The moon peaking from the top of the tree,
reminding me of the intention i set during the full moon to release the desire to be liked.
A moment to come back to my hut, shower, and tidy up.
Hearing, feeling, and seeing the rhythm of the leaky shower faucet.
Megumi noticed a biddy dragonfly on her glass.
Flirting with the light as it plays hide and seek through the leaves of the palm trees.
Admiring the healing reflection of the mountain forrest.
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